


Dig 'til you Hit Water

by Pakeha



Series: Kingdom by the Sea [4]
Category: Thor (2011)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Fantasy, Breastfeeding, Kid Fic, M/M, Octo!Loki, Protective!Thor, Tricky!Frigga, i can't believe I'm still writing this thing, implied past non cons
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-05-01
Updated: 2012-05-02
Packaged: 2017-11-04 16:09:41
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 9,156
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/395675
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pakeha/pseuds/Pakeha
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Moving to Asgard is a long adjustment process for Loki.  Not that he'll ever admit that he's ill-adjusted.<br/>Meanwhile Thor galumphs and makes a general mess of things until somehow, miraculously, he starts to get things right.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Sea

**Author's Note:**

> Broke this one into two chapters because it was getting long. ~~The second chapter is written and I'll post it just as soon as as I manage to edit the thing. I'd finish it now but I literally just fell asleep on my computer and it seems my body won't let me keep going any longer tonight. Damn you body.~~ Second chapter up

Loki had a standing invitation to join the royal family when the sat together in the evenings after supper. Thor had been the first one to extend the offer, but the ever amicable Frigga had soon sent her own request and even Odin had mentioned that he’d be welcome during one of the rare dinners Loki actually showed up for. To each of them his response had been the same; polite, vague, and misdirecting. 

Odin and Frigga took it in stride, though Loki could still see a worried frown touch the queen’s lips from time to time. 

Thor was another matter entirely. 

He was relentless. Forever reiterating his offer, bringing it up at the oddest times and doing all he could to incite Loki towards the gatherings. 

“They’re quite pleasant, I promise. I know you are not part of the immediate family, but you are my guest here, my most honorable guest, and truly you would be welcomed whole heartedly!” This had come while Thor had been retrieving a book from a high shelf for Loki. Not that Loki couldn’t have gotten the book himself, rather that Thor was there and he had insisted on doing it for him.

“Not that one, the one to the right of it. The _right_ , Thor.” 

“Yes yes I know. All I am saying is that...”

Or there was the time when Thor had offered to watch Gudrun so Loki could have a few hours to himself.

“It’s not like we’re always speaking of affairs of state.” He’d begun after only the barest hello, gathering Gudrun into his arms. “Our conversations are quite varied, I think they would truly interest you. Not to mention my mother would be delighted to have someone with which to discuss the finer points of magic. My father, Balder, and I know absolutely nothing on the subject and are of no use to her.”

“She’ll be hungry in a few hours most likely. Bring her back to me then and I will feed her.”

“My mother?”

“ _The baby_ , Thor.”

“Oh, yes, of course. You know the spring gardens are especially lovely this year, at least this is what my mother says...”

There had even been that bizarre morning after Thor’s nightmare two weeks ago where the prince had woken tangled around Loki. After a second’s confusion he had remembered where he was and done his best to steer the moment into more comfortable waters. 

“You should sit with the family tonight.”

Loki, who’d gotten hardly any sleep at all, hadn’t felt quite up to his usual banter and just sighed. “You think so?”

With an emphatic nod being Thor’s only reply Loki had drawn himself out from under Thor’s weight and made his way to a restless Gudrun. “Maybe I will.” He’d murmured, picking her up and settling her against his small breast.

They’d been supposed to speak of other things that morning, but Loki had never managed to get them on topic. 

He frowned as he stepped lightly, barefoot, over the boulderous shore, the black stone darker in the evening shadow cast by the bluffs. 

There were in fact many conversations he was supposed to have with Thor. He’d told himself time and again that he needed to get the man to sit still and just _listen_ to all the things that needed to be said, but somehow he kept not making it happen. Whether it was a task too arduous or simply that he was practicing his own avoidance, Loki couldn’t say for sure. He didn’t like not being able to read himself. 

A sea breeze picked up, the dampness of it biting. His hands began to glow faintly yellow and he shifted Gudrun into one arm so he could touch her forehead, chest and feet, keeping the cold at bay. She was only wearing a little linen gown and he’d brought her no blanket. 

She didn’t seem to mind as she watched her father’s sparkling hand move, smiling her still toothless smile and reaching out to grab the pretty light. 

Loki’s frown softened. 

“One day you will learn too.” He murmured as he let her take his hand and bring his thumb to her mouth. He changed the spell to nothing more than meaningless light but if she noticed the difference, she didn’t care. Her orange eyes stared up at him unblinking. 

He looked away so he could pay attention to where he put his feet, and inhaled deeply the clean smells of salt and stone. 

The path was familiar to Loki, easy under his feet despite its many breaks and fissures. He’d found it first while evading Thor, not long after he’d first transformed. Now he returned often; the place had become comfortable to him. Four times a week if not more he would flee here to the border, in secret, to rest in the quiet. It was easy to understand, though far from simple, and it soothed him.

‘Of course,’ He thought, glancing down at the child in his arms. ‘She does not actually need this.’ She simply would never want for it the same way he did. She would never know the water in a way that would leave her aching for it, itching at the dryness of any other existence. He refused to be morose about it.

Waves lolled in and out of his sandy-bottomed pool. When the tide was down it became isolated from the rest of the ocean, but it remained always deep and wide enough for a swim. 

He descended with slow care to the water’s edge then lowered himself until he was kneeling, the waves striking just inches from his knees. With his one free hand he undid the clasp for the green cloak he wore and tugged it around in front of him, messily folding it in quarters before he laid it in a part of the rock worn smooth and bowl shaped. 

Gudrun gurgled and kicked her feet as he placed her in the makeshift bed. 

“Be good.” He murmured, touching her nose with a finger which glowed faintly green. “I will not be long.”

Her replying smile was gummy and a line of drool slid down her chin. Loki rolled his eyes as he wiped it away.

Then he stood and began to disrobe. 

He always dressed lightly when he came to the water. Though it bothered him to feel the cold so acutely, minimal garments did eliminate a great deal of hassle in preparing for the transformation. 

Tunic and trousers neatly folded, he placed them next to Gudrun who continued to watch him raptly. He put a finger to his lips as if motioning for her silence and she replied by pressing her whole hand over her mouth. He smiled. 

“I will not be long.” He said again. With that he turned from her and began walking into the water. 

For the first few steps his body remained human. Pale and slender and proud in its carriage. Then the water touched his toes. With each foot he put forward it deepened from ankles to shins to knees and as it swallowed him colour began to wash across his skin, jewel rich tones of red and blue pooling out of the pink and white. 

He shivered and set his teeth firm together. His knees gave way, solid joints boiling as they melted into flexible limbs, two splitting to four splitting to eight in a sharp rippling unpleasantness he had yet to find a way to counter. As his reawakened tentacles shivered and began to relax he shut his eyes, allowing the water to slip up over his head and reclaim him completely. 

It was quieter here.

For a moment water pressure bore down on his ears, then the discomfort burst and bled away. He inhaled, and shuddered at the salt which poured through his gills, at the feeling of his two missing hearts growing back, at the detached feeling of his nervous system re-prioritizing. 

Each breath he took was a shivering thing until his body settled down. 

Some days it felt like the transformations were getting easier. Other days he just couldn’t be sure. 

After a few minutes he stretched his arms over his head slowly, reaching until his blue nailed finger tips just broke the surface. He let his red legs move, curling and undulating lazily around him. They spiraled and looped, tangled with each other, ghosted their touch over the sand before pulling in to twist up and start him swimming casually, circling the deepest water.

He let his mind wander.

Everything was perfectly clear tonight, transparent like air, all things made visible. A few trigger fish darted in and out of the pool with the ebb and flow of each wave. Blue and orange starfish huddled too around the spot where the pool and the sea blended, engaged in low speed chases with the sea urchins making their way towards the ocean proper. If he listened carefully he could hear the faraway call of a whale, but it’s song was very distant indeed. 

He shook his head and frowned when his hair did not move like it used to. He missed its ethereal drift, even if it had made him easier to catch.

He continued to circle. 

It felt nice to move a bit. To feel the water syphon in and out of him, the currents shift as he cut through them, the sand and stone and algae as he let his hands and tentacles touch his world. 

He was content, but having neither slept nor eaten in some time, he tired quickly. Eventually he grabbed onto an outcrop of rock with his many limbs and cautiously maneuvered himself into the narrowest space he could fit. This felt good too, to be tucked up tight amongst the stone and sand and he stilled completely, staring up at the broken mosaic of the sky. 

The water didn’t move much in the pool. Though cooler than the air, the sea felt warm on Loki’s skin. A tightness in his chest loosened, his mind drifted in a way he usually would not let it. His eyes focused on nothing in particular, the shadows lengthening over the waves. 

He was glad Gudrun would never know this. She would not miss it. Let her believe herself to be of Asgard: a creature born to live on land and breathe in air. A creature of walking and running and sunlight. 

A creature he would never be; too much of the depths, too much of the mere to ever belong on shore. Too much of a mystery to be accepted. Too much of a nightmare to be trusted. 

_“Where do you think you belong Loki?” Asked the Merking, his eyes the same shade of red as Loki’s, as bright as they were cold. “You have demonstrated time and again that it is not here, so where do you think you should go? Asgard?_

_“Do you truly believe you could exist with them in their land of heat and wind? Your skin would blister, your lips would split, your body shrivel as it begged for water. I know this for we have watched humans exact this punishment on our kind many times through the centuries. Our people’s corpses twist and contort when they are thrown back to the sea, taking on their water once again. Did you know this?_

_“You are a fool if you believe your fate in Asgard would be any different. I would sooner kill you myself than abandon you to such an end.”_

_The whole court was silent, unmoving. Loki focused on breathing. “Forgive me father,” He lied. “But why would you believe I have set my sights to Asgard? What reason could I have to visit the land of our erstwhile enemies?”_

_Laufey had snarled. “No lies, Loki! Your tryst with the human prince has been witnessed and can no longer be denied.”_

_For months Loki had feared the day his father found out. Feared it because he could not predict it. There were too many possibilities to calculate._

_“Father.” He tried again “It is a passing association, forged for political purpose. That he has grown infatuated with me while I have maintained a clear head only serves your court further, you must see this.”_

_“I must, must I?” Laufey scowled. “All I see, Loki, is a son who has grown perilously close to betraying his kin and corrupting the honor of royal blood.” The king’s dark nails curled into the arms of his volcanic throne and the tips of his long tentacles curled and uncurled in a physical betrayal of his agitation._

_Loki’s mind was racing, all his hearts pounding uncomfortably out of sync and surely they all could hear it, giving away what he schooled his face to conceal. “I assure you, I have no interest in leaving your kingdom for Asgard, your majesty, nor in pursuing any sort of romantic congress with The Odinson. The Mere is all I know; I could not possibly live beyond the water.”_

_At that moment Loki’s elder brother Byleistr stepped forward. His face anxious but determined, he earned a mutter from the court and a narrowed glance from the king. “I believe Loki is sincere, father.” He beseeched, words almost too low to hear._

_‘Fool.’ Loki thought. Byleistr had always been kind to him._

_Laufey looked at his second eldest son, his face a mix of disappointment and anger. “That you forever fall for your brother’s tricks worries me Byleistr.” The elder prince stiffened. “Hold your tongue, or I shall cut it. I have not asked for your council._

_“And you, my youngest.” The king continued, turning the weight of his gaze back on the lowest of the princes, the smallest of all mercreatures. Little Loki._

_“If you are sincere in your words than you will be prepared to finally fulfill your duty to your people.”_

_“And if I refuse?” They were not the smartest words Loki had ever uttered, but Laufey at least did not seem surprised to hear them._

_“Then to my great sadness, child, your disloyalty to these waters will be evidenced and your life will be forfeit.”_

_“Father!” Byleistr hissed, shocked. Even Loki’s eldest brother Helblindi looked startled by the severity of the king’s sentence._

_Loki’s face remained impassive._

_He held his Father’s eyes, unblinking. His lips were the thinnest of lines, his shoulders back, his hands at his sides. His voice was steady when he opened his mouth, clear and resounding. To the court, he was unafraid._

_“Then my duty will be done.”_

_Many came forward. Not once did Laufey’s eyes soften_

Loki snapped from his memories as he heard the muted shuffle of boots over the stony shore. ‘Intruder!’ he thought with a snarl and slid himself out of the crevice, darting across the pool to the rocks where he’d left Gudrun. 

With his fingers bent like claws he grabbed onto the black shore and hurled himself dripping from the water, tentacles and all, hands glowing red as he hissed at the man who’d entered the cove. 

He found himself face to face with a hammer, paused mid strike, and a pair of startled blue eyes.

“Loki!” 

Thor. Of course it was Thor.

The prince set down Mjolner so hard it split a fissure through the stone. 

Gudrun keened unhappily next to where the prince was kneeling on the rock. He looked away from Loki, turning to pick her up, but when he reached out for her he found he could not put his hand past the boarder of Loki’s cloak. 

Gudrun’s wails rose in volume until with an irate hiss Loki snapped his fingers and a light around her flared and went out. Thor didn’t hesitate to gather her to him, humming a little to try and calm her down even as Loki slid back into the water and, submerged, began to transform. 

Loki had trouble deciding if it was more painful to go from water to land or land to sea. His tentacles lined up and stuck together like someone was pushing a needle and thread through his flesh, mending the tears he’d rent. His skin was all pins and needles as his nerves rearranged themselves, his chest felt hollow as two of his hearts shriveled and went away. The pall which made his skin human pale dragged over him, his legs stiffened and became jointed, his ears ached as water bore down on them. 

“Stupid Thor.” He hissed just as his gills burned away. His heart continued to race.

He set his feet to the sand and walked back up onto dry land. 

“What are you doing?” Thor’s voice boomed the moment his head was above water. Loki narrowed his eyes and ducked again under the surface for just a moment to make sure his hair was all slicked back from his face. 

“Swimming.” Was his only reply when he came up again. Still walking forward, he was without shame as he climbed onto the rocks and faced Thor, arms crossed. 

“And you?” He goaded, knowing he should keep his temper down, but it had already risen. He was tired and even then mourning his lost solitude.  
“Me?” Thor looked incredulous. “I was only looking for you. A guard said he’d seen you come down the beach and imagine my horror when I found this! Gudrun! Alone! We’ve talked about this Loki, you cannot leave her like that. Anything could happen!”

With a mental frown Loki made a note to find out who had been on guard duty this night. 

“She was not alone, Thor. I was right here.”

“Underwater? What good are you to her down there?”

Loki grit his teeth to keep from swearing. “I refuse to have this argument again with you. You were wrong before and you are _still_ wrong now. Idiot, did you not notice the protection spell?” For emphasis Loki bent down to scoop up his cloak, and shook the fabric in Thor’s direction. 

Staring at the cloak in Loki’s fist Thor fell silent, still rocking the babe in his arms and trying not to let his righteousness wither. 

Loki sneered and dropped the garment, reaching out for his daughter instead. “There is no need for you to be here. Give her to me and leave us be.”

Thor only curled his arms more firmly around her. Gudrun fussed.

For the first time since growing them, Loki felt the urge to stomp his foot. “I will not stand for this, give her to me now Thor!”

Thor’s didn’t move. 

For a moment Loki was certain Thor meant to take her from him permanently. His blood ran cold 

“She is not even yours!” His voice sounded shrill even to his own ears. “You have no right act as if you possess her.”

“I only care for her Loki!” He snapped at last. “I only wish to protect her.”

In Loki fury ran with fear. 

“Because I can not?” the mercreature hissed, tone coral rough and dangerous.

“No!” Thor barked. He paused, his breath held and his eyes full of self-righteousness and fire, then his shoulders dropped. “That is not what I mean to imply at all.”

Loki almost let himself start breathing again.

“I simply... want to protect her.” Thor repeated, much softer than before. “I care for her. I want to safeguard her.” 

When he met Loki’s eyes the mercreature was discomfited by the depth of emotion he found there. “If you would not push me away so often you would understand this.” The prince finished with a sigh.

“What do you mean by that?” Loki kept his own eyes narrowed.

“Does it matter?” Thor looked defeated. “Nothing is enough.”

One of Gudrun’s chubby fists flailed before it landed on Thor’s chest and she gripped his tunic, turning her face towards his warmth. 

“Please, Loki, would you dress? It is... distracting to speak with you like this.”

Loki, who’d forgotten his own nakedness made no move towards modesty. “Why, Thor?” He taunted, unwilling to give him anything.

Thor made a sound as if he’d been wounded and looked to the side, his face flushing in a way which Loki frankly found embarrassing. He scowled. 

Loki could be merciful when he wanted to. He bent to retrieve his clothes. 

When he’d pulled on his trousers he caught Thor’s quiet thank you and grit his teeth. If his own cheeks felt hot he ignored the sensation. 

“Give her back to me.” He hissed when he’d yanked his tunic over his head, the fabric slightly wrinkled and ocean-damp, sticking to his wet skin. His hair was mussed from the motion, wild. He would stand this no longer though. Thor had already interrupted his evening, and now he was tormenting him. If he had not been Loki’s only friend, the prince would have had valid cause to fear for his life. 

Fortunately Thor handed her over then, carefully, moving her in his hands until Loki could snatch her up and draw her into the shelter of his own arms. Most would not have noticed the little way the mercreature’s shoulders dropped, but Thor did and he felt a spark of shame in his belly. 

Though he didn’t have a chance to feel lit long. A sharp pain struck his face, making him stumble back a step, reeling from Loki’s blow. The sound of the slap rang in Thor’s ears. 

“If you _ever_ ,” Loki started, his voice venom bright and cold as the deep “attempt to withhold her from me again, Thor, I will set you on fire.”

Thor did not doubt him. 

He nodded once, solemnly, working at his jaw. His empty hands clenched into fists at his sides before releasing and he fought the urge to apologize. 

The water kept shushing against the rocks, laughing as it struck and hissing as it retreated. A pair of giant petrels screamed, leaving their cliff roost and climbing into the air, flapping, gliding down the shore on the twilight hunt for squid and carrion. A wave spit at Thor’s ankles, the tide coming in for the evening. He reached down to take up Mjolner before the ocean could touch it. The hammer’s weight in his hand was immediately reassuring, keeping him from reaching up to touch his cheek.

“Do you come here often?” He asked stiffly, anything to break the silence. 

“Does it matter?” 

“It’s a nice spot.” Thor offered again. “I can see why you like it.”

“I liked it more when it was mine.” Loki bit back, feeling bitter. 

Wind nipped at Thor’s face, caught his tangled yellow hair and pushed it into his eyes. Loki watched the prince brush it away. “I won’t come again if you don’t want me to.” He conceded. Then before Loki could reply he added. “Forgive me, this did not go well. I was simply looking for you so I could invite you to sit with the family, but I’ve ruined it.” 

Thor sketched a stiff bow and kept himself from meeting Loki’s eyes. Against his better judgement, Loki felt his tension ebb. Try as he might, his fury would not stay stoked when faced with Thor’s apologies. 

“You are brash by nature.” At length he conceded, shifting Gudrun to one side so he could touch his nose to her forehead, breathing in her baby scent. “It is foolish of me to expect more from you.”

“Will you come then?”

It was undignified, but Loki actually snorted in disbelief. “No, Thor, I will not.”

“Tomorrow then?”

Loki made a pained face. “I do not know how your father ever expects to groom you for the throne. You are as inelegant as a sea slug.”

“Is that a yes?”

“You are tenacious though, like a hound.”

“ _Loki._ ”

“ _Thor._ ” Loki was at the end of his line, and his human form did not like the increasing chill of evening. He would forgive Thor soon, he always did, but he would not play his games. “That’s enough. You have already spoiled an evening, I will not form an agreement with you wherein you will be allowed to spoil another. _Goodnight_.”

“Loki-” Thor started but the mercreature ignored him, gliding past and snatching up the damp lump of his cloak as he went. 

Mercifully Thor did not pursue him towards the castle path. What the prince did instead, lingering on the shore, Loki did not care. 

He retired before it was even full dark. Giving into weakness he cast a spell to help Gudrun sleep through the night, but he himself slept poorly again anyways. All his dreams were of darkness.


	2. Land

Opening his eyes with the sun’s rising grew more difficult with each day that passed. Loki could have sworn his body creaked when he moved it from his bed.

Avoiding breakfast made four meals missed, but there were times he preferred solitude to sustenance. Dressing quickly and wrapping Gudrun up in blankets, he slipped through the corridors, avoiding all eyes, and up into the one hiding spot he still trusted. The library tower: a place where he could spend the day unmolested. 

The spring had dredged up the winter’s cold again and Loki kept the infant close as he ascended, a stolen scarlet cloak pulled over them both. 

The tower had probably begun life as a study before sliding into a gradual disrepair, used for little more than storing dust by the time Loki had sought it out. The mercreature considered it a crime that it had been so neglected. It’s position and height rendered it not only an attractive spot to work but even more a valuable perch from which to follow the actions of others unobserved. 

One by one he’d taken books and parchments from the library proper and sequestered them along the chamber’s curved walls for himself, banishing the dust and casting charms to keep the air from going either too dry or too damp for the paper. With the help of magic he’d transported a desk small enough to fit and a chair to suit. Most of his writing materials were in his chambers, but he kept some here also, crystal ink wells glinting.

If the scribes complained, let them. They appreciated these books as much as any man who’d grown up with reading could: far less than they deserved. Loki smirked as he slowly read through the table of contents in one of Kulgrom’s spell books. An irate librarian had raided his quarters not two days thence looking for that particular text. It had been Loki’s distinct pleasure to return her to her shelves empty handed.

He’d just found a passage which looked promising when Gudrun began to wriggle in his lap, wordless sounds of complaint coming from under the drape of his cloak. 

Loki sighed, but unclasped the garment and with a flick of his wrist cast it so it spread across the floor, unwrapping the baby’s blankets and putting her down on her stomach so she could squirm to her heart’s content. 

“You should pay closer attention.” He muttered even as he marked his page and set the book aside. He pet her back as she turned her head to look at him, pressing her cheek to the soft red wool and drooling a little on it. “These are very good spells, child. You should count yourself lucky to have access to them.”

She grinned at him and he stroked her cheek, smirking a bit himself. “Fine then. I’m only trying to help.”

She sneezed and rubbed her nose against the cloak. Loki’s grin broadened. “You did not learn that from me, you disgusting creature.” 

He tickled her foot just to watch her kick out at him. Her legs were growing strong. She’d make excellent use of them. 

A seagull cawed as it circled outside. 

Loki settled his palm on her back, and leaned down so his face was closer to hers. “I’ve done all that I can little one to ensure your future.” He murmured, his mirth faded despite Gudrun’s continued smile. “Take good advantage, it was not easy to do.” 

Gudrun’s face became serious, orange eyes solemn and intent. 

With any luck she’d never know what they had given up to come here. She’d never know the pains that Loki had gone to in order to give her this chance. ‘Let her be forever ignorant‘ He prayed. ‘Let her be naive.‘ 

Then she coughed, and started to babble a stream of nonsense syllables. 

Loki nodded. “Just so.” He agreed, petting the back of her fuzzy head, his expression relaxing as Gudrun smiled at him again. 

Although he had every intention to go back to reading, Loki found himself instead curling up with an arm under his head, lying on his side facing the baby. It was a poor idea to be horizontal when his blood sugar was so low. He knew this, but he shifted to get more comfortable anyways. With a smile he tugged Gudrun’s blanket over her and watched her try to wiggle around to get out from under it. 

Time passed unpleasantly quickly. Even when he eventually got some work done, it was never enough. While the sun lingered longer every day, dusk still arrived early this time of year. 

Before Loki knew it the tower room was growing dark and Gudrun was fussing for her third meal, even as his own stomach grumbled. He looked up with a frown from the spot he’d moved to along the wall and reached out, gathering her to him so she could nurse. His frown deepened as he stared at his own wrists while holding her to his breast, the bones more prominent and the shadows more pronounced than he liked.

Though he knew he and Gudrun could continue without his eating for sometime longer, he was fast approaching a level of weakness he could not afford. 

So he made a face as Gudrun finished and mentally berated his brooding instincts. Then he put Kulgrom’s book and the woefully lacking notes he’d attempted to take away, wrapped them both up again in the cloak, and descended back into the palace proper. 

Thor had probably been fretting and searching for him all day. It would be enough punishment for now. 

All the corridors he walked down were sparsely lit and had the tired face of winter upon them. Most of the tapestries had not been aired in months, and dust gathered along the seam where the flagstones met the baseboards. Though the lamps were merry and the glass well polished, the sense of sleep and isolation could not be shaken. 

It was a bad season for company. 

Mountain roads were beginning to clear themselves of snow, but it would be some weeks still before Asgard’s neighboring kingdoms considered sending couriers and parties along to court the kingdom by the sea. Lords and vassals in the country were focused on supervising the preparation of lands for spring planting and had little time for the palace. The feast hall which in summer and harvest season would be packed to the rafters was empty and still when Loki came upon it from narrow side corridor. He didn’t make a sound as he crossed the chamber, small and wraithlike in the massive unlit room. Gudrun was quiet in his arms. 

When he reached the door behind the high table which led to the royal family’s private dining hall he paused, letting his stomach rumble than still. The smell of roast boar warmed him, and he took a steadying breath before he pulled open the door and slipped inside. 

Here it was always cozy. Despite its elaborate decoration and ornate carving, it was a hall meant undeniably for private moments between the monarchs and their closest guests. There was only one long table, one end laden with plates and platters, and twelve chairs. At the far end roared a blazing fire, too hot for a usual spring but it was a bitter night. 

It would have been his preference to take his seat without fanfare, but Thor was never so kind. 

“Loki!” He boomed, face surprised and joyous.

“Your highness.” He replied demurely, nodding first to Thor than to Thor’s brother Balder. He rounded the head of the table, bowing to the king and queen as he passed, before settling next to Frigga and across from the princes. 

“Good evening merprince.” The queen murmured and Loki greeted her in kind. Odin nodded his own greeting, mouth a serious line but eyes approving. 

“I beg your pardon for my tardiness, I lost track of the time.”

“Do not trouble yourself, it is not a formal meal.” Frigga’s voice was warm, her eyes pleased. “Allow me to take Gudrun. I have already eaten and it has been too long since I held her.”

Loki blinked once in surprise, but did as she bid with a quiet thank you. She was good enough with children.

Servants came forward to fill his glass with wine, but Loki waved them away when the cup was only half full. Then he filled his plate and began eating, concentrating on doing so at a normal pace despite the hunger which had suddenly woken and now held him famished. Once or twice his stomach grumbled, but graciously no one said anything. 

It felt good to eat again. Boar and pheasant and mutton though still new to his palate were already well liked. After a minute the royal family resumed their conversations and Loki absorbed himself in his meal completely. He’d just come for meat. 

Which Thor made certain he was never lacking. Every time Loki finished a part of his meal the prince would reach across the table, stab a fresh piece of something and drop it onto Loki’s plate. Of course Loki glared at him around a mouthful of boar but Thor was all ignorance. And Loki was hungry. 

“It pleases me to see you with a healthy appetite, son.” Odin declared after some time, raising his cup in approval and taking a swallow. Loki paused in his picking at quail bones and smiled wanly, taking up his own untouched glass and drinking shallowly. 

“I’m only sorry you have yet had no chance to join us in a proper feast.” He added when his glass was back on the table. 

“A pity indeed.” Loki agreed, glad to put his own drink aside. 

“Have you been getting enough to eat?” This from Frigga and Loki kept his smile on. 

For a second he considered lying, but sometimes the truth was more entertaining. “We do not eat much after we give birth.” He flicked a pheasant bone so it rolled across his plate. “Some will go so far as to starve themselves to death while they brood, but such things are rare now.” 

Odin looked appalled but Frigga just nodded shortly. 

“I had heard this but did not believe it true.”

“An unpleasant instinct.” Loki conceded. “But beyond my ability to control.”

“Ridiculous.” The Allfather decided, hitting his fist against the table. “You will eat with us from now on, my hospitality will not allow this to continue.” 

Loki went from amused to nauseous, while from his side of the table Thor nodded emphatically with a fist around his knife and a mouth full of pheasant. Loki wrinkled his nose. 

“As you wish your majesty.” He murmured diplomatically and kept eating for now. 

Odin turned to Thor and Balder to ask them of their training and Loki looked away from the men, beautiful and grizzled in the lamplight. In turning however he ran right into the gaze of Frigga and set the boar rib in his hand down with an imperceptible sigh. He’d eaten enough for a while anyways. 

“Do not stop on my account.” The queen began but Loki shook his head.

“Do not fret, I’m quite full.” He would, it seemed, be required to dine more like an Asgardian anyway.

The smile on Frigga’s face was knowing but not unkind. She shifted Gudrun to her hip and pushed her chair back from the table. “If you grow hungry again you may always contact the kitchens and have them prepare something for you.”

“Thank you your majesty.” 

She held her hand out to him as she rose. “If you are truly finished will you walk with me? There is a strand of mistletoe I would like to make plans for, but I desire your counsel.”

The way Frigga was turned cast her face mostly in shadow, but Loki was not blind. He knew what the woman was playing at and it made him want to narrow his eyes. He wanted to cross his arms over his chest and refuse for he was no fool, but such actions were graceless and unbecoming. One of the guards opened the door as he rose and took Frigga’s arm. The air currents shifted and sent the taste of woodsmoke from the fireplace drifting about the room, mixing it with the sweet scent of the outer gardens. 

‘Somehow Thor has grown cunning.’ Loki decided as he walked out into the cloister. He did not like it. 

“It is isolated to a single tree, and though the birch suffers, I am glad to have it.” Frigga began as they started winding down a path towards the center of the gardens. Nephrite paving stones were flanked by banks of flowers and grasses. Despite the late hour a patch of lavender to Loki’s left still buzzed with bumble bees, and if he looked to the line of trees along the far right wall he could see lightning bugs sparking in and out of the dark. The day had been over cast and the night had not cleared for stars, but moonlight still poked its way through the clouds, fuzzy and ill defined though it was. 

Loki used his free hand to shift his cloak so it fell more securely about him. 

The light spilling from the dining hall faded fast. The path was lined with lamps to compensate. When they passed the first one Frigga started to move her hand from Loki’s arm to light it, then paused and cast him a side long smile. “Will you light them?” She squeezed his forearm. “I find my hands are full.”

‘Cunning.’ Loki thought again but he nodded, barely twitching his fingers in order to cause the lantern to flare to life. He heard Frigga’s breath catch. 

“Strong spells.” She murmured approvingly. He did not meet her eye.

Every few feet another lantern would show up and Loki would light it. A nighthawk screeched somewhere beyond the wall and a dog barked. The pair of them kept quiet as they meandered towards a benched area next to a green marble fountain. Gudrun’s eyes were shut against Frigga’s shoulder. 

“Mistletoe?” Loki prompted after the queen had been quiet sometime. Not that he did not enjoy silence, but Frigga’s made him uneasy.

“Hmm? Oh yes. It’s just over there.” She pointed at a sickly birch, its branches made heavy under the weight of the exquisite parasite. “Balder does not like it. He feels it torments the tree, but I find it too useful to cut down.”

Loki shrugged, letting go of Frigga’s arm and moving to inspect the plant despite himself. When he was close he reached out to touch the leaves, testing their glossiness with his fingertips. “It is impressive that it remains so green when all else is either dead or just waking.”

“Indeed.” Frigga agreed, lowering herself onto a bench. “Even in the depth of winter it will splash against the snow.”

He plucked a leaf off and smelled it; green and faintly sweet. “I will be of little use to you in dealing with this.” He admitted at length, crushing the leaf between his fingers to release more the scent. “I have no experience with herbal magic.”

“None?” Her tone was mild. 

“There are few plants where I come from, and none of them are good for spellwork.”

“Pity.”

‘She is very good at this.’ Loki thought. “My apologies.” He said aloud.

“It’s quite alright, come sit with me.” For lack of a better alternative, Loki did. 

He had no where else to go after the events of last night, and it was a small battle to loose in the grand scheme of thing. It was almost even pleasant. Frigga was an intelligent woman, and for a while they spoke about protection charms and cures for poisons. 

When Thor eventually joined them Loki didn’t look at the happiness lighting up the prince’s features, ignored his hello, and refused to give up more of the bench when Thor sat down on the spare inches left next to him. 

His presence here did not have mean Thor had won.

Eventually the queen wanted to talk to her husband though, who’d sat like a normal human being on the bench across the path. Since Balder had retired Loki was left with limited options for conversation and decided to make his retreat. He'd risen and began to ask Frigga to return Gudrun when he felt the rush of air and pressing heat of Thor standing up so close that they were near touching. 

“Do you mi-” 

“Would you like to walk?” The prince asked, his hand held out, which was ridiculous because the way they were standing Loki would actually have to reach behind himself to take Thor’s right in his left. He scowled and took a step away. 

“I’ll watch the baby.” Frigga offered amicably, waving them away. “Enjoy yourselves.”

“Your majesty-” He started but when she met his eyes he found himself swallowing and looking away. 

“Thank you.” He finished weakly before turning and stalking off down the path, lighting and putting out lamps as he passed them. 

Thor tripped once in his hurry to catch up, but did not complain. 

Loki’s fingers twitched at his sides, his posture stiff. Not for the first time he thought about how easy it would be to upturn a stone in Thor’s path and send him sprawling, but he restrained the impulse. If he could walk quickly enough he could return before any words had to be spoken. 

From his left he heard Thor slap a mosquito and with a grimace cast a repelling charm, making sure his own arms were sequestered under his cloak.

They emerged from the broad section of tulips which surrounded the fountain and were moving through an area of white roses when Thor spoke again, yellow orange light appearing and and passing over his face as the lamps came and went. “I’m glad you’re here.” He offered to the dark.

After a second's resistance, Loki let his pace slow.

“Your mother is an excellent manipulator.” He murmured after a pause.

Glancing back over his shoulder, for a moment Loki thought Thor would defend Frigga, but the prince only gave him a sheepish smile. “She makes an excellent queen.”

“And an excellent mother?”

“That too.” Taking the exchange as an invitation, Thor drew up next to Loki and offered him his arm. Loki pushed it down.

“I’m not some court lady.” He scolded, attempting to put distance between them again but the prince grabbed onto his wrist to keep him near. 

“I know that.”

Roses gave way to a small orchard. Trees which would be full of yellow apples in the fall were for now cloaked only in dark furled buds. Loki began to move as if he would wind away and disappear between the trees but Thor held fast. 

“I do not mean to insult you.”

“You do not insult me.” Loki muttered. “You are simply ridiculous.”

“Why?” There was no light in the grove except for the moon and Loki could barely tell Thor’s eyes from the rest of his face. His heart was beating too fast for comfort.

“You just are Thor.”

“I do not mean to embarrass you.”

“You do _not_ embarrass me!” Loki snapped, trying to tug his wrist free.

It was pointless, Thor’s grip was unyielding, holding thin bones together and he knew he’d been growing too weak.

“It is only that I want to treat you well Loki.” The prince pulled him closer until they were face to face but still blind in the dark. “So many others have treated you poorly-”

“As I’ve told you before,” Loki spat “you are an idiot if you blame yourself for the ill of my past.”

“But I _don’t_ blame myself.” Thor’s hold softened even as his other hand came into play, holding Loki’s firm. “Is it not possible that I feel for you without being inspired by guilt?”

“I do not want your pity Thor.” That was true, even if it wasn’t all of it, and Loki looked away from Thor’s eyes.

“I have never pitied you. I would never dream of doing so.” 

Even if Thor believed that, Loki didn’t.

“You have given me enough.” He spat, sour. “I do not need any more from you. Not your protection, not your pity, not your advice, not your arm, not your time, _nothing_. I can live just fine on my own.”

“You can, but there is no need.” Thor snatched up Loki’s other hand so he could hold them both. “I _want_ to give you things, whether you need them or not. It is my joy to provide for you.”

Clouds thinned and a strengthened beam of moonlight gave Loki the look of a cat cornered in the dark. “Have you considered that I do not want anything from you?” He hissed. “That even what I have already taken I am sickened by?”

“That cannot be true.” 

Loki bites down on his tongue. 

“I do not believe it.” The prince continued. “When I kissed you I did not assault a stone, but a living thing who kissed back and wanted it as much as I. How could I believe that you do not want me?”

Loki snarled and once again tried to tug himself away but Thor was desperate and strong in his need. 

“Would you stop this madness? Why do you push me away? Have I not been your friend many years? Have I not loved you like a brother?” After each question he squeezed Loki’s hands like they held the answers he wanted. “And though you have never hesitated detail how you find me lacking, you have never seemed adverse to my touch until recently!”

“Thor!” He howled. “This is enough!”

“It is not!” The prince rasped. “It is not enough Loki, not near enough.”

An ocean wind picked up over the wall and ran through the trees, sweet and salty and very cold.

“So you mean to force me?”

For a moment, all Loki heard was silence.

“Never!” Thor barked. He dropped Loki’s hands, though it was clear he did not want to. 

“That is not my intent at all.” He added much more quietly. Loki heard him swallow, watched his throat work in silhouette 

He tried to control his heart rate. 

“If you are sincere.” The prince’s voice was hoarse. “If you truly do not want me, I will go.” 

Wind rattled the leaves and it smelled like green things and sour apples and snow.

It was on the tip of Loki’s tongue to assure him, to send him on his way forever. He could find somewhere for him and Gudrun on other shores, lands far away where his people were unknown and Thor could not follow.

“Damn you.” He said aloud, his shoulders dropping as he hunched around the pain in his chest. It was hard to swallow.

Thor waited as long as he could before he reached for Loki with both hands, touching his face gently. “Will you let me please kiss you?”

Loki stopped one hand by hanging on to Thor’s wrist, but the other one got through. When it landed on his cheek, he didn’t push it away. “Your sense of timing for these things is atrocious.” He rasped, ignoring the way his fingers wanted to shake.

The moon was gone again. Loki couldn’t decide if he wanted it back. 

“Words are not one of my talents.” Thor muttered and Loki tried not to smile because Thor’s thumb was right there and he would feel it. “Let me _show_ you.”

All he needed to do was say no and Thor would go away. 

He didn’t say anything.

Thor’s lips were as warm as he remembered, narrow chapped things that they were. They were also as generous, at least as much as Loki was greedy.

“We will never get along when we are so close.” he muttered, turning his face away to speak. “We are only ever compatible at a distance.”

Thor did not let him get far, holding his jaw and turning him so they were once more aligned. “I would like to try.” 

There was that hope again. Thor was so full of it, Loki didn’t know at times whether to berate the naivety or steal some for himself. 

The wind returned. Thor’s lips came back and Loki let them, wondering what exactly would happen if he fell headfirst into things the same way Thor did. Wondering if they didn’t need one of them to remain upright and anchored to reason. Wondering if someone didn’t have to be logical and ignore how good it felt to crash together. 

Like sinking, the warmth of Thor’s arms came up around him. Beautiful and young in a way Loki had never been. A part of him howled while a part of him sang. He was all conflict and there were too many variables, too many possibilities, too many outcomes and it was all so far beyond his control. 

Thor’s tongue slipped into his mouth and he wanted to bite it out, sucking on it and meeting it with his own. Thor’s hands were in his hair and he wanted to reciprocate, wanted to pull until he’d dragged the golden prince to his knees and he wanted to watch him worship there. He wanted to fall himself and grovel because Thor was _glorious_.

He wanted to forget everything by throwing them both down and getting rid of that ache inside him, riding Thor until it stopped hurting so much to see his stupid face shining. 

The kiss was all of that and less because Loki had never been as eloquent with his body as he’d been with his words. It hadn’t been a detriment for him before, but just when he had so much to say to the one idiot in the world who deserved to hear it, he felt muzzled. 

One of Thor’s hands had found its way under his cloak and it held onto his ribs, petting in time with Loki’s heaving breaths. It slipped to settle on to his hip, big fingers tracing the bottom of his spine as his other hand cradled Loki’s head and the mercreature just clung inelegantly to Thor’s shoulders. He followed the angle of Thor’s mouth when he tilted his head, and let him lick as deep as he could, tried to taste every inch of him in return. 

He wanted it. Even as he remembered that Thor’s parents are not so very far away, that the queen still held Gudrun, that they were standing there necking in the dark like the children they were, he wanted it. He groaned in frustration, shoving his hips forward so his hungry human cock ground against Thor’s because he _wanted it_.

He wrenched his face away with a gasp for breath and dropped his head to Thor’s shoulder so the prince could not chase his lips for more.

“Enough.” He choked out even as Thor gasped his name.

There was an unmoving moment, then with a groan the prince forced himself to try and pull back but Loki dug his fingers into his tunic and hissed. “Be still. Let me breathe.”

So Thor’s hands crept around Loki’s shoulders instead, slow enough to give him a chance to escape and Loki inwardly rolled his eyes. He was in no condition to run away. 

“I have to put Gudrun to bed.” He said when he finally felt he could speak without gasping.

“And then?”

“Then we should talk.”

“Not all things can be solved with words, my friend.”

Loki didn’t reply, he just stepped back, breaking the circle of Thor’s embrace.

He could try at least. Try to talk about it until he actually understood it, but even he knew that was an exercise in futility. 

Thor was the sun. He didn’t need a why or a how. He simply burned, and in burning shone his light wherever he wished. It was as careless as it was nourishing and Loki craved it. He craved _him_ , and had done so from the first time he’d seen him falling through the ocean into his arms. 

He tried to shut himself in a dark room but Thor kept finding him. He didn’t know how that made him feel, and if he didn’t figure himself out soon he knew he’d go mad. He couldn’t stand to not know what he was doing.

“Why did you want me to come here so desperately?” he asked out loud, straightening his clothes and making sure the edges of his cloak draped over his front. 

Thor cocked his head to the side. “What do you mean?”

“Here, with your family. You have been belligerent in your invitations. Has it been only to catch me like this?”

“No!” Thor yelped. “Truly Loki, I believe you think the worst of me.” He sounded wounded. 

“Then why?”

“Because all the family does this.” Thor made it sound obvious, but Loki’s heart started pounding again. “And I have wished for you to be here too. It is no more than that.”

‘It is more than you know.’ Loki thought but did not speak aloud, turning without another word to walk back down the path. 

It was an uncomfortable walk but not a long one, and though Loki had not turned to look to see if Thor had put himself to rights, the lack of appalled expression on the queen and king reassured him. 

Frigga rose and handed over a still sleeping Gudrun. 

“It’s a pity she slept all evening. You will have to come again soon so I may try and make her smile.” The queen’s eyes were warm.

“Of course.” Loki bowed. “I will see you here tomorrow.” 

He bowed to the king as well then was forced to break his effort at ignoring Thor, but it was worth it for the smile which flooded the prince’s face. Loki only caught it for a moment, nodding his goodnight, but it blinded him. 

‘Stupid Thor.’

If his own lips curled on his way back into the castle, no one was in front of him to see so it did not count.


End file.
